Archives for April 2009

slave to the scale | body image struggles

She looked in the mirror and what she saw was not good.
Her eyes filled with tears,
and she turned away before they had a chance to fall.

I don’t know what happened. One day I had no idea what I weighed and I didn’t even care. I never worked out, I ate what I wanted and I was happy. I was secure.

Maybe it was being left by my ex for a super thin model…or maybe it was just me, something that was deep inside me just waiting to get out.

Whatever it was, one day it simply changed. I began to stare endlessly in the mirror and pick myself apart. From my head to my toes I found one thing after another that wasn’t the way it was “supposed” to look.  And then the tears would fall, the oh so familiar tears.

All because I didn’t measure up to my idea of what I should be.

My brain became obsessed. It was all I thought about. Food, calories, working out, weighing in, eating, not eating, am I the thinnest? Am I “the weight?”  I never starved myself.  I never over exercised. I never made myself throw up.  But as you will see, I was just as bad as anyone with an eating disorder.

December 13, 2003
My thoughts are catching up to me and I can see how damaging they have become and how intense it can get if I don’t stop it now. I am obsessed with my body/weight. I think about it almost more than anything else in the day. The other night I broke down in tears because I felt awful that I haven’t been successful at achieving perfection when it comes to my body. My poor husband tries to tell me he is happy with me the way I am, but I’m convinced he’s lying. He says I need to change my self image but I just can’t seem to. It sounds so much easier than it really is. I look in the mirror or at pictures of me and immediately I pick myself apart. Even as I write this I feel so convicted and ashamed. How can I spend so much time focusing on something that won’t last? When I don’t even spend half the time on something that will. My body obsession has totally taken importance over my relationship with God. How can I be so superficial and retarded? And the thing is, how do I change such ingrained habits? I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I see so many bad patterns and I need help. I need hope.

October 16, 2005
…I’ve never felt so undesirable. It scares me a little when I look at skinny models who are obviously underweight, and my twisted mind thinks it’s beautiful. Am I on my way to an eating disorder? In my mind and thoughts I feel I already have one….only I don’t starve myself or make myself throw up.  But truly, am I any different than those who do?

January 7, 2006
My heart is aching.  I know I need to stop this.  And yet, I’m beginning to avoid social situations because I’m too self conscious of how I look in my clothes.  How sad am I? I spend more time trying and thinking about how to fix my body than I do caring and growing my mind and soul.  I am not healthy.  This is not right.

A year later, a darkness came over my world. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep.  And each time I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I shuddered. I’d finally achieved the gaunt look I lusted after and yet suddenly, I despised it.  Needless to say, it was then that I received praise and adoration for how thin and how great I looked.  Little did they know what was plauging me to achieve it.

And then something clicked. I’d had enough.
It was the beginning of change. A small change.

Then God gave me a daughter. And, I heard him saying, “Summer, it is time.”

I no longer see the super thin as desirable. I no longer want to be the skinniest.  In fact, I feel sad for those I see struggling.

In no way have I arrived. But, I have changed paths. I’m walking a new way, and the further I get, the healthier I become.

I am healthy. I am content. That should be enough. So, it’s time I say goodbye to my scale. I will no longer be it’s slave.

I dare you to walk with me.

© 2009 “Le Musings of Moi”

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