I remember when I looked in the mirror and was satisfied with what I saw.
I remember when I didn’t see something far worse looking back at me in the mirror.
I remember when I was free of worrying about my body.
I remember when my happiness didn’t depend on achieving something.
And I miss those days.
I remember when I was free of worrying about my body.
I remember when my happiness didn’t depend on achieving something.
And I miss those days.
This is something that is always on my mind. Sadly enough. I don’t ever remember being as caught up in it before I moved to California, but if I’m honest, I’m sure it has always has been somewhat of an issue for me. You know, being that I am female after all.
I don’t know when it started exactly, but one day I looked in the mirror and what I saw wasn’t good enough. I would pick out a body part and focus on it. One minute it was my thighs, the next it was my arms…or my stomach…and it went on and on. I would spend so much time thinking and analyzing over it that suddenly it would become bigger and more gross than it had even started out to be. I’d go to get dressed and cry because I hated what I saw or how my clothes fit.
I know now that what I battled was what so many women and young girls struggle with today, body dysmorphia.
I’ve never binged, purged, starved myself, or over exercised…no habits were ever started that would constitute an eating disorder, but I’m certainly no better because of that.
My thoughts can break me down.
My heart and soul get heavy, and all because of “a body,” …something that is wasting away and aging every single day.I have at times, more than I’d care to admit, even allowed my happiness depend on what my body looks like.
My thoughts can break me down.
My heart and soul get heavy, and all because of “a body,” …something that is wasting away and aging every single day.I have at times, more than I’d care to admit, even allowed my happiness depend on what my body looks like.
When I really read and dwell on that last sentence, I am overwhelmed with how sad that really is.
In being pregnant, I hated seeing my body change and gain weight, even though I knew it was for a good reason. But, towards the end I began to accept it and even began to embrace my largeness…as well as the extra calories I was able to consume! And I did my best to balance it out with going to the gym on a regular basis.
Now that I’m not pregnant, and my body is again changing, I’m back in limbo with the tug of war regarding body image. It’s funny how perspective changes depending on circumstances. In going from super large and pregnant to not pregnant, at first I felt like I looked so small. Well, smaller compared to being pregnant that is. I was so excited and felt myself strutting around the house feeling all sexy. Actually, I wouldn’t go that far, but I did have a few days where I wasn’t obsessing.
But then recently I stepped on the scale and saw I still had 10 pounds to lose. Immediately, I didn’t feel so small. I felt big and gross.
Yes, back to that.
Yes, back to that.
It’s not fair, and it shouldn’t be this way.
I recently read two different interviews with Eva Longoria. It’s been all the talk about her gaining weight for her role on Desperate Housewives. In both articles, she quickly snaps back with some retort about how even though she’s gained weight, she’s still a size 0. Where as before, she was 00.
Are you kidding me?But this is what we read and see all the time. This is what’s influencing us. We are constantly getting the impression that it’s not okay to be anything but a 0.
Now that I have a daughter, it’s on my mind even more than every before. Only now I am not just over thinking (obsessing)…I’m determined to change.
I would never, ever, want to pass these kinds of thought habits onto Chloe. I want her to feel comfortable in her skin no matter what size or shape she is. I want her to know that the most important thing to focus and work on, is what’s inside. I want her to care more about who she is, what she believes in and what she stands for. I want her heart and mind to be the first thing people notice when they meet her, because that is what she has invested most of her time and energy into.
I want her to know that she is not her body. She has one, yes, but she is so much more than that. And that it’s what pours out of the body, mind and soul she’s been blessed with, that truly matters, and truly lasts.
_______
This may not be your struggle, but I believe that we all have something.
Something we want that we don’t have, something that we are hoping to get that we think will solve it all, something that we are sure will make us happy.
A bigger house, a better spouse, more money, a different job…
We find something, and we cling to it. We obsess over it. We need it and we desire it.
A bigger house, a better spouse, more money, a different job…
We find something, and we cling to it. We obsess over it. We need it and we desire it.
But the thing is, when we get that one thing, when we arrive there…we will still have ourselves.
The same old person with the same old issues.
The same old person with the same old issues.
I could achieve my ideal body, but I have a feeling if I got there it still wouldn’t be enough.
And so, I have to change my thinking.
I have to work just as hard now on what’s happening on the inside instead.
And so, I have to change my thinking.
I have to work just as hard now on what’s happening on the inside instead.
I have to learn to be happy with myself where I am right now.
Not just for my sake, but for Chloe’s.
© 2008 “Le Musings of Moi”
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I am sorry for your stuggles but your right, we all have them. In some shape or form, they are there. Thanks for being brave and posting this. It really made me think about me and what I can do to make me a better mom, wife, and person.
Amen, sister. About the changing your thinking and doing it for the right reasons. Kids are blessings in more ways than one, and getting that reality check of what we SHOULD be doing/thinking/saying is certainly one of them. Best of luck! (And by the way, CLEARLY you are one gorgeous babe! I was just thinking today what a sassy little pic you have for your profile!) 😉
What a beautiful post besides the anguish of never being satisfied with what you see when to everyone else it is most likely gorgeous. I used the same subject for my remember when… just not as thought out.
Seems to me that the problem is the mirror. Ditch the thing! Good post!
What a great mom! THat’s so great that you want your daughter to have a positive view of body image. That is so important with girls growing up today. There are so many things (magazines, movies, etc) telling them that they aren’t good enough and they need the strong women in their lives telling them that they ARE. You are doing a great thing…keep up the good work!! 🙂
Good post!!! I agree! Ditch the mirror!!!
Everyone struggles with this…but you’re crazy pretty. And the fact that even YOU could have these issues just means nothings good enough. Tons of people would trade places with you in a heartbeat!!
What an honest and heartfelt post. I hope you are able to find that happiness with yourself and a sense of balance.
Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day.
Wonderful post- I am so very self critical and I pray my kids keep the (I think) healthy self-esteem they have forever. Little issues, but so far nothing major.
Very thought provoking.
Thanks for stopping by my blog today. 🙂
Oh yes, how we can ALL relate!!! Although, I don’t think I know of anyone who had a baby just a month ago and ONLY has 10 lbs left to lose!!! You go, girl! You are beautiful regardless of the weight, though. So sad that we women are dealt with the pressures we have, but thank you for your honesty and your voice! Love you and miss you!!!
What a great post. I felt like you were in my head. I try really hard not to pass on the body image issues I have to my daughter, as they were passed to me. It’s hard, and she’ll get it from other people and the media… but it’s a start 🙂
I agree with 100% about struggling with my body image. Somedays all I see is a fat lady staring at me and some days a not so fat lady staring at me. Ive come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do I will NEVER look like I did before I had kids. I think its sad that todays girls have role models who strive to look like Barbie.
I understand, girl! I have always only ever wanted to be a Mom, but I have to admit I am extremely frightened about how I am going to handle my body changing when that day comes.
you’re so right. it’s all in changing your thinking. I think I realized in my teens that I was never going to be a stick skinny girl so I learned to accept my body and use it to my advantage. I also learned that most boys aren’t interested in “skinny” and that was helpful in my perspective as well.
As I age I am happy to see the changes, even if it does mean saggier and more cellulite …I finally look like a woman and not a kid. {however I have not had babies yet}
My mother is borderline anorexic in my opinion but when I was a kid she made everything about “health” and not about fat and skinny …and it was a really great technique in teaching me about body image …it was always about what was “healthy” and if I ever have a daughter, I would do it the same.
All that said, I think every girl has body issues no matter how great your mothering techniques are …and is it worse in CA? Maybe.
Great post. sorry for the novel of a comment 🙂
Thanks for stopping by my open letter and giving the boobies some well needed support.. if in spirit only:-)
Saddly VS can’t help me. On of my bestest gal pals is actualy their national training director and I fuss at her all the time about what THEY call full sized bras!! Sort of ties into your post here. I remember being in hysterics at 17 years old when I had to buy a size 5 prom dress. WOW was I a heffer then! And they had me seeing a shrink about an eating disorder!!! Thanks for the comment love
i feel your pain. i’m 6 1/2 months pregnant (for the second time) and feel like a fat cow. society’s image of women is so skewed. those girlz in hollywood need a few poke chop sammiches if ya ask me…tell ’em to come see, betty. i’ll make ’em some bizkits…
xoxo
ew yes, ive heard that eva longoria quote a few times now and i have to say, there is no need for her to say that, it just irks me beyond belief.