the power of forgiveness

My lesson this week?
Forgiveness.

I’ve always had a harder time forgiving myself, but as I get older and the pain from someone I love hurts even more, I find it can be hard to forgive either way.

A couple of years ago I read a book called, Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge. I wrote this part down in my journal that really stood out to me.

“Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling – don’t try and feel forgiving. It is an act of will. Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving. You will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice to forgive is made. We acknowledge that it hurt, that it mattered, and we choose to extend forgiveness to those who hurt us. This is not saying, ‘It didn’t really matter.’ Forgiveness says, ‘It was wrong. Very wrong. It mattered, hurt me deeply. And I release you. I give you to God.’ It might even help to remember that those who hurt you were also deeply wounded themselves.” Jesus did not retaliate when He was insulted. When He suffered, He did not threaten to get even. He left His case in the hands of God. 1 Peter 2:21-23”

I had to go back to this passage this week when I was hurt beyond words. In the moment all I really wanted to do was to hurt them back, to make them feel just a little bit of the pain that was throbbing in my heart. I wanted to hold on to it, to keep talking about it, and to have others tell me I was justified. I wanted to wallow in my tears and pain, and allow this person to see just what they had done to me.

I tried to pray in the middle of it all. It was a measly prayer, but I guess that’s all it took. Because by the end of the day, I was reminded of what I had learned a couple years ago when I read that book. I had to forgive. It was not my place to punish. I had to give it to God. And I did. As best as I knew how. So at the end of the day, I went to this person and I forgave them.

I did not expect what happened next.

Since I’ve never forgiven quite like this before, I expected tears and awe for what I had just done, but instead it was a simple moment that seemed to pass quickly. The response was “Thank You.”
And of course, after pondering that moment the next day, I decided I wanted to take it back.

I said a few half hearted prayers. And again, I guess that’s all it took. My mind was quickly flooded with thoughts of all the times I’d made mistakes, took them to God and knew I was forgiven.

My response?
“Thanks God.”

Did I ever stop to dwell on what it took for Him to be able to forgive me? That it took Him sending His son to die on the cross? Sadly, not too often.

Did I ever cry and cry and lavish on Him all my thanks and praise for being able to forgive without hesitation?
Not many.

And now I know how that must have hurt Him.
Yet, even in that He forgives.
He understands.

It’s a painful lesson.
Most usually are.

But, this week, no: this day….actually, just this moment, I will try to do the same.
This moment, I choose to forgive and give it to God.

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